the glass teat

A few years ago, I suggested to the wife that we cancel our cable subscription. At the time, our town only had one and a half broadcast channels, an NBC affiliate and a PBS affiliate. Cable gave us The Sopranos, which I loved but was growing tired of, The Simpsons, which I loved but was confident I could survive without, and Deep Space Nine, which was coming to an end. By the time DS9 was over, we'd gotten hooked on Buffy The Vampire Slayer -- actually, I fell in love with this show while in Paris, where each episode was played once a week in English with French subtitles and once a week dubbed into French, so it was a good way to pick up the language. When Buffy was over, we cut the cable and we don't even have a television in our current digs. DVDs are much better, anyway. DVDs let us select for quality and watch at our convenience, which is not that often.

But as happy as I am to be living without the idiot box, I remember it very well, and I find this spoof, sent by a friend, to be dead-on:

New Fall Line-Up

NBC
8:00 Friends
8:30 Girlfriends
9:00 One Guy with Several Female Friends
9:30 My Gay Friends
10:00 Friends You Wish You Had But Don't

FOX
8:00 Real Humans in Real Pain
8:30 Feral Dingoes Eating Children on Tape
9:00 Jiggle It Beach
9:30 LA Chicks
10:00 Beverly Hills 90210: The 90,210th Episode

UPN
8:00 The Unwatchables
8:30 Voyage To The Bottom Of The Ratings
9:00 Theoretically Existing Show
9:30 Praying For Syndication
10:00 The Last Thing You'd Ever Want To Sit Through

WB
8:00 Where My Wife At?
8:30 Gittin' Yo Freak On
9:00 Me & My Psychic
9:30 Kids Suck The Darndest Things
10:00 Dawson's Clothes

ANIMAL PLANET
8:00 Incontinent Rhinos
9:00 Dan Taylor: Mongoose Optometrist
10:00 STAY!
10:30 The Best of STAY!

E!
8:00 Andy Gibb: A Nightmare Descent Into Booze & Pills
8:30 John Belushi: A Nightmare Descent Into Booze & Pills
9:00 Margot Kidder: A Nightmare Descent Into Booze & Pills
9:30 River Phoenix: A Nightmare Descent Into Booze & Pills
10:00 Boy George: A Nightmare Descent Into Booze & Pills

ESPN2
8:00 Finland's Brutalest Men
8:30 Being Hit By A Trolley Regional Semifinals
9:00 60 Minutes Of Joe Theismann's Leg Breaking
10:00 Co-Ed Spread-Eagled Weight-Training From Maui

SCI-FI
8:00 Space: 1972
9:00 The Bermuda Triangle: Myth Or Fiction?
10:00 Mid-Budget Galaxy

LIFETIME
8:00 How Can I Choose Between My Daughters?
9:00 The Abused Wife Who Didn't Mean To Kill Her Policeman Husband In Self-Defense
10:00 The Boy Whose Mommy Watched Far Too Much Television

TNN
8:00 Well, I'll Be Dipped In Pigshit!
9:00 You Hush Up, Wanda Mae
9:30 Sheeeeeeee-It!
10:00 Hold 'Er Down While I Get The Rifle From The Truck

TELEMUNDO
8:00 Roberto Amorosa En Agua Caliente!
9:00 Whoomp! Donde Esta?
9:30 Goooooooooooooal!
10:00 Ai! Ai! Ai! Ai! Ai!
10:30 La Hora De Goya

PUBLIC ACCESS
8:00 Blurry Steve
8:30 Inaudible City Council Meeting
9:00 Do We Have A Caller On The Line? Hello?
9:30 The Best Of Lunch Menus
10:00 My Friend Made This Short Film
10:30 Men With Braids Speak Out

CINEMAX
8:00 Bare Ambition (Tanya Roberts)
8:30 Naked Exposition (Traci Lords)
9:00 Body Of Nudity (Dana Plato)
10:00 Unclothed Anguish (Joyce DeWitt)