Hang on, Voltaire!

Today my friend the poet was talking about the dark associations of the term 'fester'.

I said yes, they'd be dark, if I didn't associate the word mainly with Uncle Fester.

A child of television, I knew the name before I knew the word.

Right now I'm reading the third installment in the Historical Illuminatus Chronicles, by Robert Anton Wilson, and the current chapter has Voltaire as a character.

So what's my main association with the name Voltaire?

WAITRESS

Are you ready to order?

MIKE

Coffee...
[(points to Trent, who nods)]
Two coffees. It says "Breakfast Any
Time", right?

WAITRESS

That's right.

MIKE

I'll have "pancakes in the Age of
Enlightenment".

[It goes over like a lead balloon.]

WAITRESS

And you?

TRENT

I'll have the Blackbeard over easy.

WAITRESS

I'll be back with the coffee.

[She takes the menus and goes.]

TRENT

[(genuinely)]
Nice, baby.

MIKE

I should've said Renaissance, right? It
went over her head.

TRENT

Baby, you did fine.

MIKE

[(disgusted with himself)]
"Age of Enlightenment". Shit. Like some
waitress in a Las Vegas coffee shop is
going to get an obscure French
philosophical reference. How demeaning.
I may as well have just said "Let me jump
your ignorant bones."...

TRENT

...Baby...

MIKE

... It's just, I thought "Renaissance"
was too Excaliber, it's the wrong casino.
She would've gotten it, though...

TRENT

You did fine. Don't sweat her. We're
meeting our honeys soon. You know
Christy's friend is going to be money.

MIKE

I hope so.
[(checks watch)]
We gotta go soon.

TRENT

Baby, relax. It's just down the hall.
She's gotta change... we'll be fine.

MIKE

We didn't do so bad after all.

TRENT

Baby, we're money.

[Mike tries to catch the attention of their waitress, who is
passing with a huge platter containing a BREAKFAST BANQUET.]

MIKE

Excuse me. We're in a bit of a hurry.

WAITRESS

Hang on, Voltaire.

But here are some choice quotes from the man himself:

• "Common sense is not so common."
• "History is fables agreed upon."
• "God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh."
• "Those who can make you believe absurdities, can make you commit atrocities"